You can still wear white

Christian women with low self worth

I woke up my heart racing from another vivid dream. In this dream, I was distraught, crying out and repenting for not keeping the marriage bed clean. I wore shame like my personal scarlet letter, dragging it around with me wherever I went. The closer the day came to walking down the aisle the more I felt unworthy to wed Ashiram. I tried to shake the shame away, fumbled to the bathroom and repeated Romans 8:1, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” No matter how many times I said it, I still felt the weight of the woman I used to be. I eventually gave up, looked in the mirror and pleaded in prayer, “God help me to see myself as you see me.” As I began to tell Ashiram, my soon-to-be-husband, about my dream he sent me a song that came to mind as he prayed for me. Simply reading the title of the song brought tears to my eyes. As I listened to the lyrics, my tears quietly flowed down my cheeks. Through these words, he shined a light on the shame that was strangling me. “Baby you can still wear […]

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The Untold Christmas Story

Christmas Story Jesus Savior Lord Baby in Manger

When the Christmas story is told, we mainly hear about Mary and baby Jesus born in a manger. Now, don’t get me wrong, nothing means more to me than the birth of my Lord and Savior, but as people across the world flock to churches to hear the story of Jesus’ birth and celebrate his coming to earth I want to talk about another person tucked away in the crevices of the Christmas story. You see there’s another “J” man who may have been overlooked as the wise men were onlookers at the nativity scene. That man is Joseph. I understand Jesus is the focus and Mary is magnificent for offering her life to carry the one who would bring eternal life to the world, but Joseph’s character deserves some credit in the story. Joseph lives more by faith and less by logic Mary was legally pledged to marry Joseph, but they hadn’t done the thing husband and wife do. Apparently, there was a child (the Savior of the world to be exact) growing inside Mary that Joseph played no role in creating. Let’s say I was engaged and then said, “Hey, Honey-Darling-Love-Of-My-Life I am pregnant. I can explain though. […]

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It Does Get Better

I can recall a vivid scene from Sophomore year in college. My roommate and I would occasionally run at our apartment gym to make room for ice cream. On one particular night we were leaving the gym and decided to check our mail before heading back home. We walked around the corner and were met by a girl with her head bowed down, hair covering her face while slitting her wrist. My eyes locked in on the bright, red blood dripping to the ground. As what was unfolding clicked in my mind, I walked around to the other side of the building out of sight and ear shot to call 911. While I called 911, my roommate went back to the gym to get paper towels. We wanted this girl to know we saw her and we were there for her, but we didn’t want her to run away in fear. I remember the bright ambulance lights and the screech of the sirens as she was whisked away. I stood stunned. This night rocked my world. I rushed home to call a dear friend of mine. I knew at one point in time, she gravitated toward self-infliction.  I couldn’t stop crying and between […]

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It’s Never Too Late

When I talk to people about my personal journey with Jesus sometimes I hear “It’s so awesome you turned to him at a young age and sought His healing for the harms in your past. But it’s way too late for me. My ship has sailed. I can’t do anything now. My life is beyond repair. I’ve screwed everything up.” I am troubled by this mindset and the lies we easily succumb to, but I also know I felt the exact same way. I’ve walked in those shoes. I didn’t think God’s forgiveness was for me. My sins were beyond his reach. I was brainwashed to believe my brokenness was way beyond what he could beautifully mend. My past was too wretched to be redeemed. Like a game of elementary school kickball, I didn’t think he picked me for the team.  I’d almost given up complete hope that my life could be turned around, but there was a sliver of my heart that believed just maybe what Jesus had to offer was true. All God needs is a sliver of your heart seeking him to show you who he is and his plans for your life. You see, the buzzer has not rung in this game […]

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God Has His Grace Goggles On

In my not too distant past, my weekends consisted of absurd amounts of time at bars drinking copious amounts of alcohol to numb my pain and make me feel “alive.” Have you heard the term beer goggles? They were a pertinent part of my ensemble on the weekends and I wore them proudly. Once I started drinking, the last guy that should get my attention at the bar became the first one on my radar. You know, the guy your mom always warned you about. The one you should run away from in the opposite direction, but I was attracted like a flying insect to a bug zapper. It’s sucky (for lack of a better word) to reflect on this part of my past. I am thankful that God can take my nights of drunken debauchery and use it to show me His grace goggles. You see, the two are completely different yet uniquely the same. When I saw life through my beer goggles God saw me through His grace goggles. For those that aren’t familiar, beer goggles come into play after consuming alcohol. What once was ugly appears attractive.  It just blows me away that without God’s grace I am ugly, wicked, and evil but when His eyes see me through […]

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Every Day is Trash Day

Sunday through Thursday a trash service comes to my apartment and retrieves my discarded trash for the day. As I was setting out the trash today I was reminded of how closely taking out the trash and God sending his son Jesus to this earth to walk with among us are related.  I know my way of thinking is often borderline bizarre, but hang in there with me as I try to explain myself. Let’s rewind and tie together the threads of my thought process that directed me to my destination. Every day we as humans accumulate trash. It’s pretty much unavoidable if you eat or own anything. If we didn’t take out our trash at least weekly and let it collect in our homes soon our house would start rotting and reeking from the inside out. Our homes would become uninhabitable and we would no longer be able to live freely inside. As more trash piles on top of more trash our own stench and garbage ends up swallowing us. But there’s a way to  rid yourself of your garbage and it’s simple. Ready for this? Take out your trash.  You see my garbage man isn’t going to come […]

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Broken to Brand New

Last night, as I began packing up my apartment, I ran across a folded up piece of paper tucked between two books – hidden yet wanting to be found. It contained thoughts that I wrote in high school and one particular sentence shook me to my core. “I am fighting a lonely battle and by looking back at history you’ll easily see wars aren’t won with one soldier.” It took me back to those days of depression. The days of pretending I was perfect. The days I hid my pain in my academic performance and relationships. The days I started to find my escape in alcohol to numb my pain, yet make me come alive temporarily. The feeling of coming alive was fleeting.   As one feeling fleeted I looked to another substance, subject or source to fill that void inside instead of looking to my savior.In my letter I wrote “I wish I had strength, but I’ve failed everybody in my life.”It broke my heart. I wish the Tiffany of today could have been there to comfort this lost, vulnerable girl. I wish I could have wrapped my loving arms around her and whisper in her ear,  “It’s going to get […]

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